I was scanning the radio this morning and stumbled upon a local morning show that I don’t normally listen to. I was intrigued by the few seconds the scanner caught because it was a woman explaining why she didn’t change her last name when she married. This is one of my very favorite topics, so I listened. In the next segment a man called and asked the hosts to help him with an intervention. I got the idea that these interventions are meant to be fun or funny, but this one very quickly went very wrong.
The man, Ryan, said he is getting married in three weeks, but something has been bothering him for awhile. His fiance doesn’t want to change her last name. She told him a long time ago, but he was never sure how to bring up his problem with the idea, so it was never discussed. Hence the intervention. So they get Stacy, the fiancé, on the phone and break the news to her: Ryan feels very strongly that you take his last name.
She stayed very calm and explained that she felt very strongly about keeping her name. She said the kids could have his name, but she liked her identify—for professional and personal reasons—and was going to keep it. He kept repeating that he wanted them to “be a family,” as if having different lasts names renders you not so. Ryan said he’d be ok with Stacy hyphenating her name, but his last name must be incorporated somehow. Stacy didn’t want to do that, and never once did either of them suggest that he hyphenate as well or that he take her name in order to “be a family.”
Neither was budging, and while Stacy remained calm (though a little shocked and teary at her fiancé’s proclamation), Ryan started to get really upset, even hinting that he may not be able to move forward with her if she didn’t agree to change her name. At this point the radio hosts were befuddled and I think they were leaning toward ending the call and letting these two deal with the issue in a more private forum.
But suddenly Ryan said, “You have to make a choice Stacy. I feel strongly about this, and if you can’t change your mind, I have to call it off. Who cares about all the money we spent. It’s either me or your name.”
And then he hung up.
And everyone else was shocked and confused. They quickly took Stacy off the air after asking her if she was ok (she just cried and said she couldn’t believe this was happening). And they went to break shortly after.
Wow right? I mean, change your name or I won’t marry you? Holy shit. Even if she gave in and agreed to that, how could he accept it? She’d be marrying him under an ultimatum. She’d probably always regret her decision on some level, and maybe even come to resent him in some way. She’ll have made the choice not willingly, but out of desperation and resignation. Maybe eventually she’d get used to it and accept her decision, but it will always have been made under these circumstances. Is it worth that? I surely hope not.
Full disclosure: I plan to keep my last name. And I’ve always been very open and passionate about it, even writing about it several times on my personal blog.
I’ll write more about that decision and our plan as a couple later, but for now, what do you think of the above scenario? Should Stacy give in? Was Ryan crazy for posing the ultimatum? Should they even get married at this point? How might they work this out?
Also, what did you do or what do you plan to do if you marry?
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(A peaceful moment before the ceremony.)
(Robin & Jason’s first dance.)
Shan & Mike 