In a word, I’d describe the adoption information meeting we attended Thursday as discouraging. On the way home, I even said to Mike, out of exasperation, “Let’s just go have sex and get pregnant. That sounds so much easier!”*
First of all, it turns out it was only a meeting about international adoption, which is very appealing to us, but we had hoped to get all of our options laid out in one place. There’s a separate meeting we’ll have to attend for domestic adoption. But that was actually quite minor as far as this experience went.
To start off the night, we were the ONLY people there. It felt much more like a consultation than a general info meeting. To some people that personal attention might have been beneficial, but we’re just not there yet. We wanted to remain somewhat anonymous as we researched and considered everything at such an initial stage. So that set the tone for a strange experience.
Then there’s the money issue. I knew it was expensive, but everything else I’ve read has managed to portray the costs in a positive light. The materials in front of us last night laid it out quite frankly — this will cost you A LOT of money! But Mike already covered that issue.
It’s not just the money though, we expected that to be a hurdle. What surprised us and probably discouraged us the most is the emphasis on Christianity in the world of adoption. Granted, this was one organization of many, but where we live, of all the options for adoption, there is only ONE agency that is not religiously affiliated. And when I did a search last night for “non christian adoption agencies” all that came up were hits for christian non-profit adoption agencies. It’s just not easy to find an organization that isn’t doing this with a religious founding, religious funding and religious expectations.
Here’s the thing, we’re not anti-Christian or anti-religion, not at all. I’ll let Mike speak for himself, but as for me, I’m a spiritual person. I believe in a higher power, I believe God is working in my life, and I have very strong values. I can’t, however, philosophically agree with many of the teachings of Christianity, the religion in which I was raised. I don’t think it should matter, but there it is.
However, it does matter and that’s the point.
We don’t have a problem with a Christian (or other faith-based) organization facilitating our adoption, but we don’t believe religious affiliation should be a requirement of adoption — not for us, not for anybody. The organization whose meeting we attended puts religion very much in your face. That’s ok – if they do their work because of a calling from God, that’s great. But there was an automatic presumption about us and our beliefs that made us uncomfortable. We were never asked and we never told, but there were repeated references from the woman running the meeting about our calling from God, our prayers, and our relationship with the church.
At one point she even looked at us and said, “What does the Bible say about that?” And then waited for an answer. It was not rhetorical. I was like a deer in the headlights because even though I have read the whole Bible straight through, I rarely quote scripture. Mike, bless him, made an attempt with some generic answer, but she was clearly disappointed when he was wrong. “No. Matthew says you should…” It was definitely the climax of the awkwardness.
We have by no means ruled this agency out — they are a large organization with lots of resources. And we have absolutely not ruled out adoption. But we need to spend some time figuring out what our priorities are and exploring ALL of our options. This is the beginning of a very long road.
*Of course I realize getting pregnant is not always that easy for couples, and it wouldn’t necessarily be so for us.
Read Full Post »