Archive for March, 2012

We’ve been a little quiet around here. That’s because big things were happening that we weren’t sure how to write about in this venue, so we just didn’t write anything. I think there is enough distance now that I can at least share what’s going on.

Most of you probably know that Mike and I have been looking into adoption for quite some time. We’ve been researching and learning and saving our pennies, and earlier this month we finally applied!

But along with adoption, we decided to open our hearts and minds to the possibility of conception. I get frustrated when couples practically kill themselves to get pregnant and won’t even consider adoption as an option, but a little over a year ago I realized we were doing the same thing in reverse. We were so focused on adoption that we failed to even consider other options. So last February (2011) I went off birth control. We spent nearly a year not getting pregnant and also making very little progress with adoption, and it was incredibly frustrating.

Then, finally, in January, this happened:

A positive pregnancy test! We were very excited, but very cautious. Too many people close to me had experienced miscarriages and other misfortunes recently to not be nervous. And sure enough, a mere three days after that test I started spotting. A week after that test my doctor confirmed it was a miscarriage.

We were devastated. After so many months of negative tests, it was such a relief to see a positive, and it was all gone in a flash. We had hardly processed the idea of being pregnant before it was over.

But it gets worse.

I went in for regular blood tests to make sure my hcg levels were decreasing as they should, but turns out they weren’t. They were also nowhere near the levels they should be for a normal, healthy pregnancy. Which means a pregnancy had taken hold somewhere in my body, just not where it was supposed to. It’s called an ectopic pregnancy.

I endured many blood tests, many uncomfortable ultrasounds, and finally a couple shots of methotrexate to dissolve whatever was left. From start to finish, from positive pregnancy test to hcg levels back to normal, it took nearly two months.

It has been exhausting, and while we try to remain positive about the future, we are sad and frustrated by how difficult it has been for us to become parents when so many others have no trouble at all. We like to think we are wide open to the possibilities — we don’t care how our child comes to us, we just want to be a mom and a dad. But the universe is really making us work for it.

As I said, we have officially applied for adoption. And we are officially trying again to get pregnant. I hope we have some good news really soon.

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